Saturday, 21 March 2015

Watching the rain

Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day
Fritter and waste the hours in an off-hand way
Kicking around on a piece of ground in your home town
Waiting for someone or something to show you the way

Tired of lying in the sunshine staying home to watch the rain
You are young and life is long and there is time to kill today
And then one day you find ten years have got behind you
No one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun

And you run and you run to catch up with the sun but it's sinking
Racing around to come up behind you again
The sun is the same in a relative way, but you're older
Shorter of breath and one day closer to death

Every year is getting shorter, never seem to find the time
Plans that either come to naught or half a page of scribbled lines
Hanging on in quiet desperation is the English way
The time is gone, the song is over, thought I'd something more to say

Home, home again
I like to be here when I can
When I come home cold and tired
It's good to warm my bones beside the fire
Far away, across the field
The tolling of the iron bell
Calls the faithful to their knees
To hear the softly spoken magic spell

It's slightly weird that I start with this, as it is not in any way indicitive of my recent mind state, only this weekend it is all i've been thinking about, all i've been feeling.

Time. I turn 26 in under 2 weeks. 26 is nearly 30. 30! I don't like ageing, I don't like birthdays. Time goes too fast.

This weekend i've been exhausted - utterly so, from my first week at my new proper job as a publicity assistant at Transworld, Random House. I'm loving it so far, i'm so excited to have a real job in publishing! Yet friday came and I could hardly drag myself out of bed, it felt like every skin molecule was grasping onto my sheets, pleading with me not to move, to succumb to my tiredness and rest. Of course I went in, but this weekend I have just been frittering and wasting my time, in a daze, though through drooping eyelids desperately craving a night out, a dance, a drink, something fun and maybe scandalous. It'l like an inverted R Kelly sort of said: my body is telling me no, but my mind, my mind's telling me yeeesssssss. 

I know I need to rest, to look after this cough that seems to be creeping in. I've started cipro, and my string of late weekends, early mornings and full working days have certainly been slowly taking their toll. 

It's just when I have days swamped in nothingness is when i'm so aware that I will wake up, Like Pink Floyd say, and realise a week, a year, 10 years have passed and there were so many things I wanted to do. I find it hard to sit still now, I find it hard to just watch the sun when I want to be out chasing it; staying awake until it risies again in that wonderful morning glow that makes life beyond beautiful. 

It's also because i've been so well. I just blew by best lung function ever - 70 and 90%. I can cope with so many things now that I know a year ago would have been ludicrous to even image me doing. Being healthy is addictive - the energy is contagious, and I feel like i'm wasting it. Finding a balance is hard, between making the most of the health i've been given, and maintaining it. 

Time by Pink Floyd is one of my all time favourite songs; even before I knew the lyrics it has one of those transporting qualities. And when you read it, it does even more so. A song so perfect in it's representation of the transience of life, and how it can all be over before you know it. But it also shows the beauty in small moments, small seemingly insignificant moments, which make up your worldly experience. Maybe sitting here, writing my blog, reading my novel is something to be cherished, especially when i'm bathed in fairy lights, and have a trusty can of fanta beside me. Maybe I shouldn't always be chasing the sun, and these half a pages of scribbled lines are certainly always enjoyable to write.

No comments:

Post a Comment