Tuesday, 10 September 2013

Portrait of the artist

The initial 10 days have now turned into 2 weeks, with my release date from Hotel Brompton being Thursday. I'm only on one anti-fungal drip a day since they stopped my antibiotic, and they're not even sure I have the dreaded fungus, so it feels like I'm locked in a hurricane shed for the fear of a slight easterly wind. Yesterday, as from the confines of my room I tried to round up doctors and head nurses (to no avail) to get their arses moving on whether they'd let me home, 10 days of confinement proper started to grate. The allure of home faced with the impossible task of organising everything when I can't even leave my room was too much and I made a baby doc stutter and literally run from my room. In 8 hours the whole motley crew of nurses and doctors and consultants couldn't communicate together and decide whether I could leave and come back an hour a day for three afternoons to finish the course. Evening hand over came and the languid and dismissive attitude of all involved left me in a slump, relegated to the fact that yep, I'm staying here.

No fear, another film, reading Dorian Gray and listening to Quadrophenia in the early morning seemed to chill my tautly strung nerves, and I found myself lulled into a weirdly tranquil and serene mood. Even though hospital is a drag, I find great comfort in having a room filled with all my basic yet indulgent needs, me time, and an unexplainable feeling of independence. I imagine this is my own studio flat, with vaulted ceilings, big TV, and not a care nor responsibility in the world. I strangely love it. I think it's about embracing the inevitable entrapment, and realising this wont be forever. Once you have that, all you can do is enjoy it. I don't feel alone, my phone is constantly by my side, with voices and words filling almost every minute of every day. I love whatsapp. And lovely texts and of course snooping in on the twitter world. I also have my bike and music TV, and meals served just at the right moments. I finally watched Almost Famous and 500 Days of Summer, both which made my heart tremble a little bit. 

Saying this, I have no idea how I managed 2 months here in April, but it must be a sign I'm feeling good. I can't wait to escape, I have so many things I want to do and people to see; right now I'm bubbling with excitement like its the first flush of spring, I think I'm the happiest I've been in quite a long long time. I want to buy an autumn coat and dye my hair, I want to rinse my travel card dry and maybe be promiscuous in the rain again at 1 in the morning... this time dressed appropriately!  

Every time I read Dorian Gray I discover new little gems. I've just read a passage that goes "I have grown to love secrecy. It seems to be the only thing that can make modern life mysterious or marvellous to us. The commonest thing is delightful if one only hides it." So on that note I'll keep my serendipitous moments a secret, to keep them even more delightful. Life's all about little pleasures. 

L x

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