Saturday, 20 April 2013

My heart with pleasure fllls

The time has nearly OH SO NEARLY come when I soon will be set free on my Bambi limbs into the big, ginormous, schizophrenic spring-time London world. Bambi limbs? Whoami kidding, these bad boys have made me feel like a proud mother. (To be fair all my bits have filled with me a deeply unsettling maternal love otherwise only my cat can make me feel. Which in itself is profoundly disturbing.) See, i've been going to the gym. The hospital gym. I think for the first time, ever. There may have been a time maybe 5 years ago when I was dragged down kicking and screaming, but I think my memory has blacked that occasion out, as it does after any severe trauma. The only explanation I can think of for this significant turn of events is that my surgeon snuck in a new brain. Not that i'm complaining or anything, but you know, ethics etc. I do forgive him for this, because the one i've ended up with has this craaazy setting called "Omg, I love The Gym! Let's Work Out!" So I have! Yesterday, I was on a treadmill. And I was jogging, and butt-wiggle-walking, and jogging again, and jogging on a trampette like a total gym nut. Even as I'm writing this i'm wetting myself at the absurdity of this situation. Like, flooding myself. (Enough now.) But as soon as I wipe away the mascara-stained tears of laughter and control my bladder, an overwhelming swell of pride wells up within me that if I was another person, could actually start crying real, non-sarcastic tears of joy.

You see, not only are my muscles working again, my little lungies can cope with this massacre! I can do a good amount without getting puffed and sats dropping to 89 for a long while after, like before. In the last few days they've only dropped to 93 at the height of this physical (and mental - "YOU CAN DO THIS BITCH") onslaught, and have steadily come right back up after. I'm impressed. Like, crazy impressed. This transformation has happened so fast! I really thought my lungs would never be the same. I may be speaking too soon. I may be optimistic thanks to this weird day of spring sunshine. I may just be buzzing from the amount of coke i've steadily/ not so steadily (ie maniacally) drunk over the last week or so (I can finally have coke again eeeee). But caffeine, sugar and brain-tingling fizz aside, something is going right. I have a record low CRP (infection level) of < 1. That's less than one if my symbol skillz are correct. Like, wtf. Is that even possible? Am I dreaming? Um, am I dead?... Is this heaven?! ("omg Keats where are you!? I'm like totes your biggest fan!!)

Alive or dead, I would like to thank my saviour, Mr Mannitol. This little wonder drug not only helps, it MAKES me shift a hell of a lot of gunk that I didn't even know was there. Before, there was lots of gunk. Then, magically, there was none. Then I started Mannitol, and WOAH. Previously i'd have been wahay i'm gunk free! My chest is super! But this unearths all those hidden plugs that block the lungs that I had no idea about, and now they're exiting the building quick sharp. But not on a suffocating in gunk level, more of a managable, physio time-frame level. Apparently, this is what most of my other nebs should have been doing all along? Thanks, you LOSERS for NOTHING. The amount of hours i've puffed away on DNase thinking "I have the utmost faith in this invisible power that obviously works in mysterious ways..." Well, bull. OK OK it probably still does something mystical, I won't slate one of my many time-absorbing-shites too much.

Hi, this is your box of sugar
Hi, this is how you inhale sugar

Moving swiftly on. To the new bits. They're super. End of. Best blood sugar levels on the ward. Allegedly. And this new energy must be coming from Queen Liv II (hm, too much?), and it is now a noticable change - the daylight hours aren't shrouded in an inane sleepiness. Especially with the amount of gym slob i've been subjecting myself too. Super. Tum is staying the same size now - I suppose I wasn't expecting a washboard, it would have been silly to, but I dunno, I cant say im not a little bummed that it isn't. That would have been awesome. Still, it's about a million times better than before and at least everthing in there is fab. That (I know my mother would tell me to say) is the important bit. She's totally right.

So yes, all in all i'm really chuffed and slightly taken aback by the progress at this point. I had nightmarish visions of everything collapsing around me, unable to clamber up and out of a crappy chest that in turn would poison everything else. It still might, as is the nature of the beast, but right now I'm wallowing. And i'm not even home! I escaped for the day today and had a charmingly Wordsworthian day.

I wandered lonely as a cloud
That floats on high o'er vales and hills,
When all at once I saw a crowd,
A host, of golden daffodils;
Beside the lake, beneath the trees,
Fluttering and dancing in the breeze.

Continuous as the stars that shine
And twinkle on the milky way,
They stretched in never-ending line
Along the margin of a bay:
Ten thousand saw I at a glance,
Tossing their heads in sprightly dance.

The waves beside them danced; but they
Out-did the sparkling waves in glee:
A poet could not but be gay,
In such a jocund company:
I gazed—and gazed—but little thought
What wealth the show to me had brought:

For oft, when on my couch I lie
In vacant or in pensive mood,
They flash upon that inward eye
Which is the bliss of solitude;
And then my heart with pleasure fills,
And dances with the daffodils.

I've also just realised it's a year today since I was put on the transplant list. Food for thought, a feast for the heart. Crazy. 

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